Our Infertility Journey

21 May

Back when I was a blogging on a very rare occasion for my Creighton Center, I wrote up this post that I wanted to re-share.  This fertility journey still carries on for our family and since I wrote this post 2 years ago, James entered our lives.  Praise God for the gift of him!  How the rest of this story is going to continue to be played out from here is still completely unknown to us.  But, we’re still resting in the peace that He already has it figured out.  Our job is to trust—as always.

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Infertility—a word that still brings a twinge to my heart every time I hear it. When I think about the ramifications that little dreaded word has in my life, I am quickly filled with memories of heartache, of tears, of living in the “two week to two week” mindset, of endless calculations of when I might be due if we actually achieved a pregnancy this time, of endless analysis of every little twinge that my body felt that caused me to wonder if a new life was developing inside.

The two and half years that my husband and I journeyed down this difficult road are NOT ones that I would ever want someone else to go through.

I often have couples ask me how my husband and I got to the point of acceptance that God’s will might be one that didn’t include children for us. Whew! That was a difficult point to come to in our lives.

After having “tried” to get pregnant for about a year and a half (during which time I underwent one surgery to remove a serious case of endometriosis), we actually did achieve a pregnancy that ended in a very early miscarriage. THAT was THE most difficult thing I have ever had to experience—to have that little life gone—after having tried for so long—certainly left my husband and I both in a fragile state, questioning God’s love and purpose in what sometimes felt like senseless suffering.

I’ll never forget a particular conversation that I had with my best friend in the midst of trying to pray through the pain that I was feeling. In her profound wisdom, she said to me, “God honors the desires of your heart.” I remember thinking, “Yeah, right! The deepest desires of my heart are to have children. I don’t want a lot of money, a big house, and fancy cars, just some children.” I did not understand why God would not grant this desire.

That following summer, I was enjoying my summer off from teaching 7th and 8th graders. I had determined pretty early on that I was going to focus my attention on getting myself “back together”—de-stressing through exercise, praying more, and spending time just “being.”

I started walking every morning (quite a feat in St. Louis’ 100+degree summer days) and praying the rosary while doing so. During my first walk, the conversation that I had with my dear friend months prior popped into my head—“God honors the desires of your heart.” I began to meditate on that thought while my fingers passed through each rosary bead. I spent time reflecting on Jesus’ life, through the eyes of His Mother, Mary. Very reluctantly, I uttered the prayer, “Lord, help me to want YOUR will more than my own.”

That prayer became my daily aspiration and led to a huge spiritual transformation. I took the anger, the hurt, the frustration and the bitterness and offered them to God, pleading to Him to open my heart to accept His will. It was easy to tell God how annoyed I was at Him (and I did a lot), but it took time for my heart to let go of MY plans.

SLOWLY…and I mean, SLOWLY, the pain in my heart was replaced with a true desire to want God’s will above my own.

My husband and I began to look into adoption agencies, researching costs, time lines, and the many legal aspects involved. We had both, through a TON of prayer, come to terms with the reality that God may be calling us to create a family through adoption. We had decided that the last month of my summer break would be our last go at “trying” to get pregnant. If the old period started again, we were going to go ahead and sign the adoption papers.

Well, the old period never did come. Much to our amazement, we were blessed with a beautiful, healthy little girl (the same one, now almost four years old, who is sitting next to me as I try to type this post, asking a million questions about what I’m doing).

Amazingly, the blessings were multiplied when we were blessed with a healthy little boy a few years after his sister.

I look back on that summer of intense prayer with great fondness because it was one of the first times in my life that I was able to let go of MY will and surrender it to HIS will. This was the catalyst for much spiritual growth in my life.

Interestingly, in the end, I came to the very important realization that God DID honor the desire of my heart—and it was NOT when He blessed us with our two children. It was when I finally let go and said, “Yes” to Him.

The TRUE desire of my heart—of all of our hearts— is to honor and serve God…to do His will, not our own. My cross of infertility taught me one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. And the journey continues on as I struggle with a body that just doesn’t seem to do what it is “supposed” to do.

There is nothing that my husband and I want more than to add more children to our family—EXCEPT, to embrace God’s will for ourselves and our family. As I daily struggle with this body of mine, I am constantly reminded of God’s love through the eyes of the children that I do have and am forever reminded to pray, “YOUR will, Lord, not mine.”

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4 Responses to “Our Infertility Journey”

  1. Cortney May 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

    Isn’t it amazing how if you “try too hard” for something, that it just never seems to be attainable. And when you take a step back, and let things happen… the pieces start falling into place?

    Grace is a wonderful thing.

  2. Katie May 21, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    very similar to the process Cort and I went through after our second miscarriage. We had to come to terms with the fact that maybe it wasn’t God’s Plan for us to have biological children. I told him I had one more try in me. My heart could only take one more pregnancy that might fail.

    But it did not fail. We have Eddie.

    And now we have Charlie.

    God’s Grace and Timing is perfect.

    We just don’t always remember to know that.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. hisnewday.com » Blog Archive » Creighton Lessons - December 20, 2012

    […] my journey with Creighton began when Jason and I were struggling with infertility.  When we moved back to Michigan, God put it very strongly on our hearts to bring this […]

  2. mommy+baby=not me | His New Day - November 6, 2013

    […] have gone through infertility, miscarriages, two major surgeries to remove an aggressive case of endometriosis,  secondary […]

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