Pendulum

13 Jul

I have to begin by saying thank you to my dear Jonah for spilling a full glass of smoothie all over the kitchen floor, walls, windows, and  cabinets this morning.  It’s amazing just how far that smoothie landed!  As my family and dearest friends know all too well, when I need to work through something, I clean.  Jason always knows when he comes home from work that if I am in a cleaning frenzy, it generally has nothing to do with the fact that I want to clean, but a whole lot to do with trying to pray through something that is weighing on my heart.  God must have known that I needed to do a lot of thinking and working through some stuff this morning, because geez, that smoothie mess took about 2 hours to completely clean up.

So here’s the deal:  I feel like I’m on a pendulum that has swung far, far off of it’s center.  You know that feeling?  And I feel like the only way to bring that pendulum back to it’s proper resting place is to swing it really far the other way and then slowly let it find it’s home.  I’m there. 

I’ve written before about my quest to bring a disordered, overcommitted life back to a proper balance.  This is a process.  A slow process.  One that I’m still very much on.

At the end of June, I officially closed my Creighton Center.  That deserves a post in and of itself, but suffice is to say, after a full year of discerning and getting clients and interns in a place where I felt like I could step out, the timing was right and the decision was made.  It is a huge (albeit bittersweet) relief. 

So what’s left to weigh on my heart?  *sigh*  Other commitments outside of the home—you know those kind.  Ones where you had some key players helping you, but now they aren’t nearly to the degree that they were (because, hey, I guess they figured out how to swing their pendulums to their proper resting places)  and you are left scratching your head wondering how in the hell you got put in charge, because OH MY GOSH it is the last thing you had ever wanted or dreamed of.  Yeah, those kind of commitments that has far too many people looking to you for answers and you are like, hey, I’m just a volunteer.  I  never signed up for this much responsibility.  But, like, you are stuck because you are fiercely passionate about it, in fact it was your idea to do in the first place.  But you thought it’d be different– like you’d be more supported and there would be a team—then you d be totally and unabasedly cool with it.  You know what I mean?

But, really at the end of the day what is weighing on your heart the most is that you just WANT TO BE A WIFE AND MOTHER.  Really.  That’s all you want.  You’d like to swing the pendulum so far the other way just so you know what it feels like to have 2 seconds, let alone 20 minutes, to just sit and enjoy your family instead of having a never ending to do list racing through your brain.  And you feel like you can’t embrace now because your mind is always over there.  And all you are left with is that crappy stuck feeling.

(Okay, I’ll stop writing in the second person—I don’t know…I’ll leave it at that)

I’m such a work in process.  Apparently I need to go clean something else out so that I can continue to sort through this rant.

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One Response to “Pendulum”

  1. Katie July 15, 2012 at 2:31 am #

    I 100% know what this feels like. I am a chronic case of “Take Too Much On”.

    sigh.

    My family would LOVE it if I worked through things by cleaning. 🙂

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