Damage Control

6 Feb

I have quite a story to tap out today, so bear with me.

Apparently I put on a good façade.

A few months ago, a good friend was commenting that I was always so put together, driven, and organized.  I outwardly laughed her off and said, “I just act like I have it together.  I’m really just a hot mess.  I promise.”  To this she replied, “Yeah right.”

Boy, oh boy, I must do a decent job covering up the crazy that is my brain.  If only she had known that I had literally gotten just a few hours of sleep the night before, felt like my anxiety level was so high that I was going to have a full out panic attack, and really just wanted to cry at that very moment.

Really, I am a mess.  I know this.  I’m working on it.  Let me tell you why.

For seven years, I pumped myself full of hormones trying to regulate my terrible fertility.  For seven years, my doctors told me that my body would excrete any additional hormones that they were pumping me full of.  “You can’t take too much.  You will be fine.”  For three pregnancies, I took progesterone the entire pregnancy—sometimes getting shots of it in addition to taking it orally every single day.

Since Annie was born, I have fought the beast of anxiety.  Looking back, I can say for certain that I had a wicked case of PPA with her.  I didn’t talk much about how I was feeling—I thought it was just new mom adjusting to being a mom phase.  Except, three kids later, it is still present in my life.

Over the years, I’ve taken my concerns to my good old traditionally minded doctors.  Their recommendations were:  1.  Take more hormones to regulate my cycles and that would (in theory) make me feel better mentally or 2. Try the meds.

I wasn’t interested in the meds.  And knowing my hormones had always been a mess, I continued to pump myself full of them.  Interestingly, my anxiety never cleared up.  Never.  Ever. ever.

This past Fall, I decided that it was time to take a different approach.  I wanted to get to the bottom of why I was feeling crazy.  So, I made an appointment with a Chiropractor and Kinesiologist … I’m not talking about a snap and crack and get you out of the door kind of a doctor.  I’m talking about one who is trained in addressing *all* kinds of issues through natural means—nutrition supplements, diet and exercise changes, prayer, etc.  This practice, it is like no other you will ever go to.  They look at the whole body—how it is all connected.  Novel idea, yes?

Pretty quickly into my appointments, the doctor discovered that my liver and gallbladder were not happy.  When you pump yourself full of hormones, guess which organs are responsible for metabolizing them?  Yes, your liver and gallbladder.  Mine were overworked and tired.  They were not detoxing like they were supposed to.  So, instead, my body was absorbing extra toxins.

This?  Well, my body responded to all of the toxins by completely stressing out my adrenals.  They were overworked and completely wigged out.  And wouldn’t you know—your adrenals are responsible for regulating many things, not the least of which is your body’s ability to handle stress and anxiety.

Aha!  So there in lied the answer to my crazy brain.  Too many hormones caused my liver to get over worked which caused too many toxins to hang out in my body which stressed out my adrenals which made me feel like I was going nuts (following this?).

I’m not kidding when I speak of feeling like I was crazy.  Many days, I have walked around feeling like someone was holding a death grip around my throat.  Or, I feel like someone is squeezing my chest.  I just cannot breath.  Noise, makes my body cringe.  Too many people asking too many things of me—always a recipe for an insomniatic night of sleep.  Some days, it really does get the best of me.  It is extremely difficult to talk about.  I’ve started and restarted posts about it.  It’s hard to admit that you are a complete mess, especially to those who think you have it all together.

Most days, I can hide it very well.  But on the days when I can’t…well, I have a big, fat, ugly cry over it.  And I don’t pick up the phone.  And I don’t return emails.

But, for the first time, I am on the road to getting a happy brain back.  It is certainly a work in progress.  I’m on a nutrition regimen to clean out my liver and gallbladder, which seems to be helping.   I know that I cannot expect an overnight cure for that many years of damage done to my body.  But for a number of months, I have felt amazing.

Until last week….

A number of things tipped my scale towards the crazy and ugly and it landed me in a desperately awful place.  Insomnia, wicked anxiety, and an overall restless soul.  I tried to get myself in for an appointment to see my lovely doctor.  On the way there?  I got into a car accident.   Let’s just say, it didn’t help my mental state.

Thankfully, I got in this week and got some dosages of nutrition supplements tweaked.  I’m still not feeling awesome, but I know that we will get there again.

My biggest problem is that I know…oh so very well…I know my limits and what my threshold is.  Last week, I got pushed over it.

This is probably a topic for another post—but really at the heart of what I am struggling with right now.  I’m learning and relearning what it looks like and what it means to let myself be at peace with falling short of all of the expectations that I place on myself and that others place on me.  Because they are unrealistic.  They are not healthy.  And they are not ordered properly.

I think the thing that annoys me the most is that I had that balance in a lovely order until just last week (thanks to lots of prayer).  And then in one fell swoop, I allowed the rug to get pulled out from under me and now I’m frantically trying to get myself back to that happy place.  Because here—it kind of stinks laying on the floor among the dust.

So, say a prayer for me.  And when you see me, pretend you never read this post because I totally just threw it all out there.


3 Responses to “Damage Control”

  1. Miriam February 6, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

    You are so brave and inspiring to be so humble and honest! Praising God that you got answers all those years ago that led to your three precious children. And continuing prayers that you can find the answers you need now to parent them with peace. Your friends are here for you when you need to talk on the tough days!! Love you, M.

  2. Moriah February 6, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

    Praying for you! Hope to see you and your sweet family soon.


  1. Lent « His New Day - February 12, 2013

    […] well, and I have been finding myself getting pushed over them more than I can handle lately.  The results aren’t good. This Lent, I’m stopping my work after a set time each night, turning the phone and computer off […]

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