A little of this and a lot of that

26 Jul

Disclosure:  Be prepared to read the most jumbled and random grumble.  I’m sorry.  Apparently I process grief by thinking about too many things at once until my brain feels like it is going to explode.  I thought maybe if I got this out on the screen, my brain would calm down. 

I’m supposed to be painting trim in our basement.  The room that will be our school room is torn up…walls and doors were added this week and everything is a mess and I have to paint trim.  I hate painting trim.  I don’t want to do this.  But, school starts in about a month, and I can’t exactly start school in a room with no flooring, and no books or supplies.  This room…has got to get done.

And there is atrium.  Oh my gosh, if my husband had his way, I’d quit now (or at least next year for sure) and just do it at home.  The work—oh my gosh, there is a mountain of things to get done before the school year gets done and I can’t wrap my head around how it is going to get done.  The amount of work it takes is crazy—mainly because we are still in the materials making stage and there are a hell of a lot of materials that need to be made.  And lucky me—I’m the idiot who asked to open the first and subsequent phases of the atrium, which means I’m the idiot who is loosing my mind over materials and schedules and lesson plans, etc.  I need to figure out how to do this differently.  But, I can’t seem to do that after three years.  Maybe it is a sign? 

Budgets.  Barf.  As with any new (to us) house…a million things pop up and they all cost money.  I’m sick of money.  It’s stupid.

Curriculum.  Thank God that after a ridiculous amount of hours, I got everything ordered for this coming year.  Now to get comfy with the new stuff. 

Co-op.  I’m teaching a class this year and that will be grand.  I just need to find time to write out lesson plans for the semester.  Perhaps at 2AM when I can’t sleep because my mind is whirling from too many to dos.

Disciplining with love and logic.  It takes a lot of brain power, which I am lacking.

I’m so distracted this week.  Because this…

“Luke David Holland entered this world out of love on January 31st. He was a perfect sinless baby. Celebrate his entrance into heaven on this day as he leaves this world loved, leaving behind two gracious parents and many tears.”

My friends lost their 6 month old this past week.  It is awful.  My heart is aching for them.  They are an awesomely strong, faithful couple.  God is asking so much of them right now and I pray that their prayer warriors are helping to hold this cross that they are carrying because dang, it is a *heavy* cross.


And so I feel annoyed with myself for having a complete cry fest on the phone this morning with Jason because most of this stuff in my life doesn’t really matter.  All of my “life” issues seem stupid and insignificant compared to what Jessica and Brian are going through. 

I’m broken hearted and feeling helpless for them.  The human in me wants Luke back with his parents and brother.  But I know that God has a plan in this far greater than I will ever understand.   

So really, I’m feeling like I wish “life” would go away so that I could squeeze and hug the living day lights out of my kids and husband right now because really that is what matters more than any of these t0 dos. 

And even more, I’m wishing Jessica and Brian could do the same to baby Luke because, yes.

Life…it is so…life.

This sure isn’t Heaven.


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