the one where my heart is dumped out on the screen

12 Sep

Dear Analise, Jonah, and James,

I stare at this screen with a hundred different things that I would like to say; thoughts that have been whirling around in my mind for hours, days, weeks, months. 

This mothering gig, man alive, it is hard. 

When I look ahead 20, 30, 40 years and think about what I hope you remember from your childhood, my breath is taken away and I’m left in speechless fear that it won’t be all of the things that I thought it would be before I ever had kids. 

I fear you will remember a mother who…

losses patience too quickly,

swears too often,

over commits herself to the point of disorder,

freaks out when the house isn’t picked up,

losses patience too quickly,

works too hard,

prays too little,

snuggles with you even less,

losses patience too quickly,

always has a to do list, that doesn’t include enough one on one time with you,

gets stuck on the computer more than reading to you,

makes time for the endless phone calls (even though she hates talking on the phone), but doesn’t stop to look you in the eye and listen to your stories.

And did I mention, losses patience too quickly?

Just typing this out has left me with a 1/2 empty box of kleenex and a waist basket full of tearful regrets.

I’ve found myself laying awake at night a lot lately…replaying the days’ events and every night when I finally drift to sleep, my heart aches for all of the things I wish I could have done, said, thought differently.  I hate that feeling.

My prayer, my pleading prayer, is for LOVE.  That old saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have…” yes, I get it.  I know that the source of all love is God, and so I turn to Him in prayer and beg for an open heart that can receive His love and mercy.  Because only then can I extend the love, mercy, and respect that you deserve.

My prayer is that when you look back on your childhood, you will remember a momma who…

loves you and your daddy fiercely,

and loves God even more,

is willing to admit when she fails you and seek your forgiveness,

works to always be more Christ-like,

would give up anything to make your life better, easier, more fulfilling,

laughs because there is so much for which to be joyful,

forgives, always,

holds your hand,

kisses your “owies”,

rubs your back,

strokes your hair,

listens to your stories,

answers your endless questions,

plays your made up games,

comforts your middle of the night fears,

cooks your favorite meals,

shows her gratitude for you—all of you,

cheers the loudest for you

because you were given as a gift to me, entrusted in my care, to be your mother.  It is a gift.  And, it is a vocation.

So I continue to pray to experience and receive God’s love, which he extends so freely.  I know that I am broken, we all are, but I pray that my love for you will overshadow all the areas in which I am so lacking.

I love you, sweet children,

Your momma

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