just walk away

22 Jan

Last Spring I got up the nerve to talk to my team of doctors about my crappy fertility and what it meant in regards to having more kids.

The answer was clear from my extremely pro-life doctors.

I wrote about it.  A few times.

And you’d think almost a year later I would be in a better place with it all.  But, you know what?  I’m not sure that I am.

Recently, I had some blood work done to see what the heck was going on because of a myriad of symptoms I’ve been having.  And while it’s not necessary to go into the details, suffice is to say, the results are crappy.   Pretty much my body screams, “Your body sucks at doing anything remotely OK in regards to your fertility.”

You guys, this?  Grrrr.  It is annoying.  The reality of it can slap me in the face, knock me off my feet and leave me gasping to find my breath.  I don’t want this to be my reality and it hits me at the craziest moments.

The little man is outgrowing his clothes, and I need to pack them away.  Thoughts of, “I should just donate all of these” fill my head.  But, I  don’t want to.  I’d like another little man to wear them.  So I shove them in a bin, along with my feelings on the matter and I walk away.

Or, the dear friends with the adorable babies—gosh, they are lovely.  And in that moment of ohhing and ahhhing over them, I can always put on a smile because I am happy as heck for them.  And those babies are so stinking precious.  Praise God!  Truly, what a blessing. But gosh, my heart simultaneously rejoices for them and aches for us and I just have to mentally walk away sometimes.

And, man, when that endearing “good Christian” (whether it be a religious or lay person) makes the thoughtless comments about those good families having all those babies…phew.  Those get me.  (Actually, those just piss me off.)  Because seriously, family size does not equate to holiness.  I know some pretty messed up big families.  Am I right?  Dumb, dumb, dumb comments.  But, in that moment, I still feel so painfully judged.  And so I walk away.

Yes, yes, I know that the Lord has a plan.  Yes, I need to take this to prayer.  I have over and over again.  But, today?  I’m frustrated.  I wish things were different. And I’m leaving it to my guardian angel to finish the words in prayer that I cannot utter.

And, of course, I realize intellectually that there is a choice in all of this.  I do my best to offer it up for the conversion of all those mommas who don’t understand the sanctity of all human life.  I pray that my cross will help a desperate momma to choose life and to recognize that there are couples like us who would welcome those babies into our home with open and loving hearts.

Because I know God always brings so much good out of suffering—when we let him.  Most days, I let him.

But today?  I just…don’t have the words or the will.  And, I know that He is OK with that.  It’s OK to walk away.  As long as I walk back to Him.  And I will.

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One Response to “just walk away”

  1. Little Kerry's Acres January 23, 2015 at 11:15 am #

    Oh friend I’m crying with you today. My heart breaks for you and what you are going through. Lots of hugs and prayers!

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