just walk away

Last Spring I got up the nerve to talk to my team of doctors about my crappy fertility and what it meant in regards to having more kids.

The answer was clear from my extremely pro-life doctors.

I wrote about it.  A few times.

And you’d think almost a year later I would be in a better place with it all.  But, you know what?  I’m not sure that I am.

Recently, I had some blood work done to see what the heck was going on because of a myriad of symptoms I’ve been having.  And while it’s not necessary to go into the details, suffice is to say, the results are crappy.   Pretty much my body screams, “Your body sucks at doing anything remotely OK in regards to your fertility.”

You guys, this?  Grrrr.  It is annoying.  The reality of it can slap me in the face, knock me off my feet and leave me gasping to find my breath.  I don’t want this to be my reality and it hits me at the craziest moments.

The little man is outgrowing his clothes, and I need to pack them away.  Thoughts of, “I should just donate all of these” fill my head.  But, I  don’t want to.  I’d like another little man to wear them.  So I shove them in a bin, along with my feelings on the matter and I walk away.

Or, the dear friends with the adorable babies—gosh, they are lovely.  And in that moment of ohhing and ahhhing over them, I can always put on a smile because I am happy as heck for them.  And those babies are so stinking precious.  Praise God!  Truly, what a blessing. But gosh, my heart simultaneously rejoices for them and aches for us and I just have to mentally walk away sometimes.

And, man, when that endearing “good Christian” (whether it be a religious or lay person) makes the thoughtless comments about those good families having all those babies…phew.  Those get me.  (Actually, those just piss me off.)  Because seriously, family size does not equate to holiness.  I know some pretty messed up big families.  Am I right?  Dumb, dumb, dumb comments.  But, in that moment, I still feel so painfully judged.  And so I walk away.

Yes, yes, I know that the Lord has a plan.  Yes, I need to take this to prayer.  I have over and over again.  But, today?  I’m frustrated.  I wish things were different. And I’m leaving it to my guardian angel to finish the words in prayer that I cannot utter.

And, of course, I realize intellectually that there is a choice in all of this.  I do my best to offer it up for the conversion of all those mommas who don’t understand the sanctity of all human life.  I pray that my cross will help a desperate momma to choose life and to recognize that there are couples like us who would welcome those babies into our home with open and loving hearts.

Because I know God always brings so much good out of suffering—when we let him.  Most days, I let him.

But today?  I just…don’t have the words or the will.  And, I know that He is OK with that.  It’s OK to walk away.  As long as I walk back to Him.  And I will.

life verse

Dear friend,

You got me this last week as a gift, a thank you, and certainly as a hefty dose of encouragement.

I still don’t have the words to express what God has been doing in my life this past year, but this picture, this scripture, it says it all—all that God has placed so strongly on my soul. 

Thank you for seeing this in me, honoring it as worthy, and encouraging me to continue down this path. 

As you know, God has shown me a new way and given me a different goal in educating my kids, and that goal?  Is Heaven.  I’ve always said that, but now we are living it and implementing it in a new way.  As a result, this school year has been the most peace-filled we have yet to experience in this homeschooling journey.  And, I am so very grateful.  Every day, we strive to stop and soak in the beauty that He has given us.  We spend our days seeking truth, beauty and goodness, talking, reading (lots and lots of reading), developing our critical thinking skills.  These little people who call me “momma” are showing me every day what it means to be made in His image and likeness and what it feels like to be precious and honored in His eyes.  All because my lens was sharpened, and thus the picture is now refined.

And now I feel that God is stretching me to go further with this quest for that which is lovely, just, true and excellent.  To bring it to others—to extend this invitation to seek God in all that we do.  To recognize that all of His children are little images of HIM walking around, worthy of respect, love and an education that forms all of who they are—the whole person.  In prayer, I find that He is asking me to be the poor, imperfect, uneducated disciple,  and to trust that He has a really big plan in store.  He is stretching me far beyond my comfort zone.  This reality is terrifying, liberating, exciting, and anxiety-ridden all in one crazy bundle of a gigantic act of trust.  But as I continue to take this to prayer, 1 John 4:18 perpetually comes to my mind:

There is no fear in love,
but perfect love drives out fear
because fear has to do with punishment,
and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.

Fear is not from God.  Love is from our Lord.  And so as I strive to align my will with His, I will do my best to hold on to that perfect love which drives out fear.  To strive to give my heart, mind and soul to that which is true, just, lovely and excellent…because He is asking me to.

Thank you for this gift.  Thank you for your friendship.  My heart smiles every time I walk past this reminder that someone else is cheering me on in this quest.

Peace, friend,

Amanda

karate kid

This kid…

started karate this year and my, oh my, what a joy this has been for him.

Being a hypotonic kid certainly has it’s disadvantages, not only in success in sports, but also in the self-esteem department.  And, having a younger brother who is a tank and loves to wrestle, well, it has been a challenge for Jonah.  Once he so sadly whimpered to me, “I hate wrestling with James.  I don’t feel strong enough.”  How’s a comment like that to pull at a momma’s heart strings?  Naturally, we encouraged him to try all kinds of sports:  t-ball, basketball, floor hockey, gymnastics, tennis, and so on.  Being such a good natured kid, Jonah never complained about them, but it was clear that he did not enjoy them.  And, he never wanted to re-enroll in them, either.

::enter karate classes at the Holt Dojo::

This Fall, we took advantage of a free, two-week trial of karate classes at the Dojo and to say that Jonah was hooked from the onset would be a complete understatement.  I still remember taking him to his first class and watching his group practice in the practice gyms (I don’t remember all of the Japanese names) while we got to watch him on the tv screen  in the waiting room.  The instructors were so kind, and considerate and patient with him, practically giving him one-on-one instruction the entire time.  I knew after that first class we would be signing the contract and attending the Dojo twice a week for the next year (and likely beyond).

Jonah has now been at it for 3 months and completed his first belt testing a few weeks ago.  In this time, not only has he caught a passion for this martial art, but his self-confidence has exploded.  They focus just as much on discipline, respect and hard work than they do on the actual skills.  It is a perfect balance of training the mind and the body. 

For his belt testing, some of his extended family came out to cheer him on, and he was beaming from ear to ear.  This was the first time that he got to experience an audience watching him perform at anything.  When he got on stage with the rest of his classmates and performed his katas, my heart just about exploded out of my chest to see him so confident and happy.  At the belt testing, we all got to watch the older children test for the higher belts and this only fueled Jonah’s desire to keep going and to continue to push himself to learn and grow in this martial art.

It is music to our ears to hear him ask to go to karate.  In fact, one night he awoke in the middle of the night sick and the first thing he asked me was, “Does this mean that I have to miss karate tomorrow?”  The boy’s world revolves around karate, counting his days in terms of when he gets to go back to the Dojo.  And we think that is pretty awesome. 

Now to go learn some Japanese.

a peace-filled year

endless snuggles in bed,

piles and piles of books that have been devoured together,

smiles, joy, laughter,

words of encouragement,

hugs and kisses and tickle-fests,

inside jokes and goofy grins,

working hard, achieving goals,

stretching ourselves,

and abandoning our will (over and over again) to our Lord.

These are the highlights that I hope my family remembers about 2014.  These day to day occurrences have been the fibers that have woven together to make a really, really good year.

For the first time since we began homeschooling, I can look back upon the entire year with a contented sigh, and the affirmation that God has our family right where He wants us.  The discernment process that got us here took months of 2014 and racked up hundreds of hours in prayer before the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.  But, we got here.  And, it is a glorious place to be.

Of course, the discernment of 2014 didn’t just include homeschooling, but much bigger decisions, as well.  The topic of family and children is one that I have been open and honest about from the get go.  In fact, it was why I started this blog back in my Creighton Model Practitioner days—I wanted to be a voice for those couples struggling through miscarriages, infertility and so on.  And so I’ve written about our losses (and here), our struggles, and God’s final answer regarding a big (biological) family.  I wish I could say that my heart is in the same place with this topic as it is with homeschooling, but it simply is not yet.  I know that I need to continue to take this to the Lord in prayer.  Some days, it is still too heavy of a cross to even want to pray about.  Thankfully the Lord is patient.

But, I recognize that God is asking me to be a mother to other children as well, and I know that He is doing that through my job in the Church with the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd program.  Every day, not only do I have the opportunity to bring my children closer to our Lord through this program, but also many, many others at our parish.  And while taking on the job in an official role this past Fall has been difficult at times to balance, the Lord continues to pour His mercy and love, guiding me in finding peace with a very full plate.  The Multiplication of the Fishes and Loaves has been my mantra this year.  I give what I can, and trust the Lord to multiply my efforts and time where He sees fit.

So, as 2014 is officially over and the unknown prospects of another year lie before me, my prayer is that my soul continues to remain at peace as I love the heck out of my family, while homeschooling the kiddos to the best of my ability, and serving the Lord in whatever ministries He calls me to.

Peace to you, dear friends, in this New Year.

words

This week Jason was gone on travel for work.  Of course, this had to happen the same week that we decided to ease back into school, I started a part-time job, and the cats got spayed.  Praise God it is Friday and Jason will be home soon—that’s all I’m going to say about that.

While flying solo this week and getting back into the school routine, the kids and I had a lot of time together, and as usual, we had some pretty sweet conversations.

Annie, while getting frustrated with getting her cursive handwriting slant just right:   “I’m having a hard time with this slant.  It’s OK, though.  It’ll get better as the school year goes on.”

Have I mentioned how much I love her positive attitude?

Jonah crumbling to the ground and sobbing, as Jason pulled out of the driveway to leave for the week:  “I just love him so much!”

James, while crawling into bed with me one morning, along with every blanket he could find throughout the house:  “Momma, I love you.  You are best snuggler.  You are my sweet momma.  Also?  What happened to your breath?”

After returning from the library with a new stack of books:  “Can we sit outside and read?” 

Hours later, they were all still reading.  And the next morning after doing their chores, Annie crawled back into bed and read and Jonah and James snuggled into Jonah’s bed and Jonah read to him for quite a long time.  This?  Just one of the many reasons I love homeschooling. 

While sorting though Fall clothes to assess what did and did not fit, Annie noticed that James had loads and loads of hand-me-downs from Jonah:  “Mommy. if you had another girl, we could save all of my clothes and give them to her.  And, then I’d have a sister to play with.  I mean, I know I already have a sister in Heaven.  I just wish I had one here to play with too.” 

My response:  “Me too, babe, me too.”

All the kids, upon picking up the drug-induced, *angry* now-spayed cats:  “These cats are crazy.  I’m afraid Co-Co is going to get out of her box.  Will she attack me?  Listen to her scratching and mewing.  She’s insane!”

Have I mentioned that we are done with cats?

Jonah, sensing that I was tired and frazzled one night,  “Mommy.  It’s OK.  You don’t need to get stressed.  It’s all going to be fine.”

It was fine.  It really was.  But, good golly, I always have a new found respect for single parents or those whose spouse is gone a lot for work.  This family?  Likes to be together and when the hubs walks in the door tonight, all will be right in our world again.  

summer

This summer has been awesome.  Awesomely busy.  Awesomely fun.  Awesomely productive.  And with all of that awesome comes a hefty dose of “I don’t want summer to end—EVER!”  I know, I know, most parents are longing to get their kids back into school and a routine (and that is a tiny bit true for me), but as a homeschooling momma, going back to school means a tight schedule, lots of planning and prepping, running to and from, here and there, and simply a lot less freedom to go to bed late and sleep in.  I have a love-hate relationship with that kind of schedule.  Basically, I’m still in denial and would rather reflect on the awesome that was just had. 

Picnicking and Fishing:

 

Blueberry Picking:

Vacationing in Hilton Head Island (Best!  Vacation! Spot!  Ever!)

                   

Visiting with Family:

Yard work—Lots and lots of landscaping projects:

 

Praying, Playing, and just being:

 

  

See, I told you it was an awesome summer.  So awesome that I decided that instead of starting school tomorrow, we are going to do a “practice run” week.  This will include getting to bed at a reasonable time, reviewing some basics, and adding back in morning prayer time as a family.  None of us are ready to dive back in full throttle.  So, we will ease in and soak up just a bit more of summer.

on turning six

Dear Jonah,

Look at you.  You turned six yesterday.  What? 

Your hat?  Your smile?  YOU, kid?  You kills me with awesomness. 

For your birthday this year, you asked for a wide variety of items:  from a pirate costume, to a tackle box for fishing, to hockey equipment, to a your own real shovel and work gloves so that you can work alongside your daddy outside.  We celebrated with family over pizza, vanilla cake and chocolate ice cream, and you were filled with so much joy as I tucked you into bed that night. 

It’s been a good year.

You have grown and matured, and I am so proud of the hard work that you have accomplished.  You’ve mastered your addition facts, you can read like a champ, your handwriting is beautiful.  And even more than that?  You’ve gained confidence in yourself and your abilities.  That makes my momma (homeschooling) heart so happy.  

As your academic skills have grown, so, too has your personality.  You will forever be our quiet, more laid back child.  And with that, you have a sneaky, naughty side to you—one that, ahem, includes silently punching your brother out of no where when you walk by him and when we ask, “Why is James crying?” you slyly announce that you have no idea.  No idea, huh?  That’s so not cool, buddy.  As you have found out, Momma has eyes in the back of my head, and can now spot that mischief a room (or four) away.   It’s a good thing your brother is tough and will always forgive you (and so will I).

It is interesting, because that competitive nature that you feel towards James is about the only area in which you demonstrate that kind of spirit.  This past year, you dabbled in all kinds of sports:  tennis, basketball, soccer, floor hockey,  and t-ball.  You always tried them, said you loved them, but when it came to being competitive, no thanks.  You simply move to the beat of your own drummer and what I love so much about you, is that you don’t care what anyone else thinks.   I hope you always feel this confident in yourself.

And at the foundation of all that you do and all that you are, you have developed a love of Jesus, the Good Shepherd that is humbling to witness.  You are so excited to move up to Level 2 in the atrium and begin the 2-year process of faith formation to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.  You have so many questions and insights.  Your prayers are simple and filled with awe and love of Jesus and all that he has done for you.  It is an honor and privilege to grow in our faith right alongside you. 

 

You have such a soft, sweet soul about you.  Recently, after a very fun and full day picnicking and hanging at the zoo, I tucked you into bed and you thanked me for such a fun day and then proceeded to tell me that you left daddy and I a surprise on our nightstand.  When I asked you what the surprise was, you responded, “I gave you some of my money because it was so nice of you to make such a fun day for us.”  I replied, “Oh buddy, that is sweet, but you don’t have to give daddy and I anything.  It makes us so happy to plan fun days with you.”  Your eyes welled up and your chin began to quiver and while fighting back tears, you said, “But I just want to give you something so that you know how much I love you and how much fun I had.” 

That conversation—that is you.  Your tender soul wanted a special way to say thank you.  Of course, I thanked you for the coins and told you that I’d keep it to remember our special day together.  Through a weepy smile, you said, “Thank you, Momma.  I love you.”

Buddy, I wish I could find the words to articulate the joy you bring to my heart.  Each morning you awake first and greet me with a smile, and a, “Good Morning, Momma.  How did you sleep?”  And each night you ask, “Will you stay and snuggle with me?”  I can’t imagine beginning or ending my days any other way.

Here’s to hoping this year brings you so much love, joy, and peace.  You are my heart and I love you to the moon and back.

With lots of Eskimo (or as you say, Eskimoka) kisses,

Momma

eight

Dear Analise,

Today I look at you and find myself thinking, where did my little baby go?  Instead of chunky cheeks, crazy hair, peaches and cream skin, and endless kissable rolls, I see a vibrant, articulate little girl with endless sandy blonde hair, long legs that can do the middle splits, cartwheels, and scooter races until they ache.

When I look at you, my heart is full of joy.  You, little girl, made me a mommy.  And with that?  My heart experienced love and tenderness that I did not know could exist within me.

You and I?  Well, we are a lot of like.  You are articulate, opinionated, compassionate, and very sensitive.  You are also a pleaser, a doer, and a noticer.  If someone is in need, your first response is, “How can I help?”  When someone is sad, you draw them pictures, write them a note, and tell them that you are praying for them.  And then you don’t stop praying for them until you know that they are all better.

And while I like to pridefully think that these good attributes came from me, I painfully recognize that you have inherited my intensity.  This?  Well, I’m sorry.  You don’t like surprises to our routine unless it means fun desserts and times spent with friends and family enjoying life.  You question everything.  You chew on it, toil over it, ask more questions…and then you make a resolution and stick to it.  And all the while, you are intense about it.  In fact, I think we exhaust each other most days.  All I can say is, I’m sorry.  I know, I know, we butt heads a lot.  And, I think we both know that is what helps us to understand each other so well.  We feel things deeply.  And sometimes that is a blessing and at other times, it is a curse.  I pray you experience the blessings most of all.

And your daddy, well, you are his only daughter here on this Earth and I know the love that he has for you penetrates deeply into his soul.  You are often the only one who belly laughs at all of his dry (not funny) jokes.  You, like him, like to play on words and create silly puns.  All that is goofy in you, you’ve gained from your daddy.  That light-hearted spirit about you that is so him, I hope you hang on to that forever.  And, lucky for you, you have your daddy’s brain for school, with just about every subject coming easily to you.  You never shy away from a challenge, though, I’m pretty confident that you wouldn’t mind being done solving multi-digit multiplication facts (or maybe that is just me) until next Fall.

                          

Your brothers, they adore you, and you don’t even realize it.  When you are gone, not only does the testosterone level sky rocket as the boys try to wrestle each other into oblivion, but the general rhythm in the house changes.  Your extreme girl-iness centers your brothers and is a constant reminder to be gentle and kind.  The other day, I watched you playing t-ball with your brothers and my heart just about burst with love:  James was at bat and of course standing the wrong way at the tee.  You straightened him out, helped him swing the bat and then cheered him on as he rounded the bases.  Seriously?  When did you grow up, child?

At 8 years old, you could run this house for a day, if ever it were necessary.  Visitors often joke, “Geez, mom, you can go ahead and take a vacation, Annie has got it under control.”  You can cook simple meals, clean, take care of James when he needs help in the potty and pretty much teach Jonah any of his subjects in school.  I can always count on you to help me when our days get away from us, “life” happens and we are struggling to get out the door to the next event for the day.  You have a maturity about you that is a privilege to witness.

One of my biggest joys in being your parent is teaching you about our beautiful Catholic faith.  God has blessed our lives beyond measure with the Good Shepherd program and you have embraced your faith in a profound and deep way.  When I asked you to write out why you wanted to receive your First Holy Communion, you wrote:

I am going to tell you why I want to receive Communion. I want to receive it because that is Jesus. Jesus will come into my heart. The seed of faith will grow even stronger. Communion is so important because I am receiving the light and life of Christ. It helps me to live the Maxims (of Jesus). It will help me to love more, and know Him more, and to stay with Him. It is a gift.

Yes, Analise, it is a gift.  And yesterday, once we spent an hour curling all that hair of yours, getting you dressed in your beautiful white dress, and helping you into your little heeled shoes for your First Holy Communion, I was overcome with a vision of something similar on your wedding day and I admit it, I got teary.  You looked beautiful.  And what was even more amazing was that your heart was filled with such joy.  You love the Lord deeply and you humble me with your insights and questions.  My prayer for you is that you always remain this grounded in your faith and that you will continue “remaining” in Christ so that you can bear much fruit through him.  Because sweetheart, I’m confident that God has big plans for you.

So on your eighth birthday, know that I’m sitting here humbled, wondering how in the world I got so lucky to be your mom.  Thank you for being my sweet Analise Grace.

Love and prayers,

Momma

End of the road

I think I’m finally getting to the point where I can begin to let go of those baby bins full of infant and toddler clothes, cloth diapers, and baby toys That reality, it’s a big deal for me.

Ever since I was pregnant with James and things got really crazy, I knew intellectually that my pregnancy with him would probably be my last. And for a good two years after he was born, I wasn’t ready to even engage in a discussion about whether this was the end of the road for us. But this last year has left my heart stirring, with a deep, deep, maternal desire to have that large family of which I have always dreamed. I’ve taken these stirrings to prayer and Jason and I have talked and talked about God’s plan in all of this. We’ve sought spiritual direction from solid priests that we trust. And then, I finally got up the courage to not only make, but keep an appointment (yes, I’ve cancelled the last 4) to ask my OB one last time, “Is it prudent for us to have another baby?” I’ve been putting off asking the question because I needed time to prepare both my head, which already knew the answer, and my heart for his response…

From a medical perspective, my OB did not recommend additional pregnancies. He struggled to say, “No,” knowing that by making this recommendation, the weight of the cross from our journey with crappy fertility just got a bit heavier.

It’s the end of the road for us.

At age 35, while most of my friends are still making babies left and right, God is asking us to be done.

And, so the stirring for more babies in my heart is being asked to…what? I don’t know. Stop? I was talking about all of this to my spiritual director this morning, and telling him that while I don’t know if it is a good thing, my prayer as of late is for God to take away my desire to have more children.

His response left me awfully teary…

“I wouldn’t suggest you ask for those feelings to be taken away. They are you. You are a mother and that desire is good. In asking them to be taken away, you are asking God to take away a very good part of how he created you. ”

Yes, it’d be easier if these feelings were just taken away. But, in experiencing them, I understand, I’m being given an opportunity to unite my suffering with Christ. I’m being asked to carry His cross, too. And that is a beautiful thing.

As he understood, too, that is a completely heartbreaking reality.

Yes. I am heartbroken.

And I find myself toiling over those darn baby bins a lot. Through hot tears and lots of snotty Kleenexes, I tried to explain to Jason what those baby bins represent to me. All I could get out was, “They hold a piece of my heart and I feel like I’m giving that away in giving away the stuff.” Jason, seeing how upset I was, responded, “We can keep them.” Through heavy sobs, I explained, “That is what I’m trying to say, they represent a piece of my heart that I think I’m ready to give away because in doing so, they will help our friends who need those things. Or other families I don’t know who are in need. It would help them and make them happy and I want them to have that.”

Those silly bins, they represent so much to my sentimental heart—first snuggles, night time feedings, first baths, transitions from itty bitty babies to mobile infants, to rough and tumble toddlers. They are proof of what made me a mother. They aren’t just onesies and sleepers, they are tangible items that encompass a season of my life, a chapter in our story…one that is now closed.

I told Jason that I wish I could reach out to my friends who I’m going to offer these items to and write them a little love letter, telling them how much I love them and how I hope that these items, though seemingly insignificant, will allow them to experience the same joy of being a mother as I have been blessed to experience.

And I am blessed and so very grateful for my three kiddos here and 2 angel babies. Each day I am blessed to be able to hug and kiss and tell them how much I love them. They are my heart and while it is a bit broken right now, they provide the glue that keeps it together when all is said and done.

Those baby bins…it is time to begin the next chapter, to pick up this cross, once again, and walk with Christ.

So this is 35

I slept in today…well, actually, I first woke up well before everyone else, laid in bed dreaming about all of the landscape projects I can’t wait to tackle once this Polar Vortex decides to pass and then drifted back to sleep until 8 o’clock.  I rolled out of bed with crazy bed head, morning breath, eyes that were groggy.  I was greeted by the little ones, “Oh Mommy’s awake…come quick!  Happy Birthday, Mommy!”

35, right.  It’s my birthday today.  Apparently this is what 35 looks like: A disheveled mom who is greeted by wonderful kiddos and an equally fantastic husband who all want hugs and kisses despite my morning “glow.”

I’m grateful and so I’m following last year’s tradition of re-capping my favorite things, in no particular order:

1. Our house.  I love this house and never, ever, ever want to move again.

2. Quiet time

3. My husband who is in the kitchen making my birthday cake and dinner.  (When one of my friend’s called to wish me a happy birthday this morning, she asked what fun was planned for today and I told her that Jason was making a fun meal and the evening would be spent playing board games with the kids.  Her reply, “That’s so nice that you have a husband who can find his way around the kitchen.”  I concur.  He’s the bees-knees and I’m smitten with him and so grateful God brought my family to Michigan in the 8^th grade, so that I could meet this amazing guy who apparently had a “thing” from me even waaaaay back then.)  He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

4. Meijer Natural Veggie chips

5. Pace Picante Mild Salsa—paired with the abovementioned Veggie Chips and call that my “after a long day pick me up.”

6. Enjoy Life Mega Chunk Chocolate Chips—otherwise known as my “afternoon pick me up.”

::side note, why do I need so many pick me ups?::

7. Lent, which is a time to realign my heart, mind, and soul to God—and to take a chance to chill from my insane chip, salsa, and chocolate chip addictions and turn to God for my “pick me up.”

8. James’ intense “squeeze hugs.”  They are equal parts endearing and painful.

9. Jonah’s incessant singing—he makes my heart sing, too.

10. Annie’s unending questions and need to know…everything…right now.  I have no idea where she gets that from.

11. A faith that without, I have nothing.

12. The Eucharist and the ability to receive Jesus intimately into my soul so that the light of Christ, which I received at Baptism will grow brighter.

13. God’s unending love and grace for me in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  What a blessing to have a Heavenly Father who doesn’t just sit around and hope I will come back, but daily “call his sheep by name” and “goes in search of his lost one.”

14. The sunshine—of course you are hiding today, on my birthday—what gives?

15. Summer—no school, no atrium, so fewer commitments.  How is it only March?

16. Holy Hour—the one hour a week where I can lay it all down at Jesus’ feet.

17. Homeschooling

18. Country Living Magazine

19. Antique stores

20. My brother and his family, because without him I would maybe be able to forget my 8^th birthday during which time I was a complete spaz and had to be asked eight times, “Amanda, do you want cake with your ice cream?”  How lucky am I that my parents had a VHS recorder to capture that ridiculous moment and a brother who will never let me live it down.  Yes, he even sent me a YouTube video this morning to remind me.  He’s *that* awesome.

21. My parents who humble me time and time again with their support.

22. My husband’s family because without them, Jason wouldn’t be the awesome-ness that he is.

23. My friends.  Seriously.  For the ones who keep me grounded, those that listen to my joys, support me in my struggles, lift me up when life stinks, and who love me for all that I am and am not.

24. My spiritual director and the opportunity to have someone to help me grow in my faith in such a profound way.

25. A wonderful stylist who hates gray hair as much as I do.

26. The lady who waxes my eyebrows (way too infrequently) because sometimes you just have to.

27. The rare evening where I get out of the house by myself and sit at Bigby and read, write, or just sit and breathe.

28. Board games and card games because I am not a mom who loves to play, but board games, now that is something I can get into.  Uno just happens to be on deck for tonight.

29. Flowers, especially daffodils, daisies, and mums.

30. Almond Flour—for real.  It’s the one common grain substitute that everyone in my house can eat.

31. Forgiveness and that no matter what kind of day we have, this family of mine can always find forgiveness to extend to one another.

32. Movies, in particular chick flicks, (not disgusting) comedies, and dramas.

33. Psych—I really do not know how I lived prior to that show coming into my world.  It makes me laugh, no matter how grumpy I might be.

34. Netflix—because you introduced me to Psyche and are the key to keeping TV to a bare minimum in our house.

35. This little blog.  It makes me happy.

So, make my birthday even happier by sharing  some of the little things that make your world a happy, hopeful, bright place.